Robert Mugabe, the butcher of Africa and the tyrant of Zimbabwe tied his opponent Simba Makoni in chains and asked him to eat elephant grass for breakfast, lunch and dinner for 21 days.
"Simba Makoni needs to be taught a lesson," snarled Mugabe, as he stepped out of his American Limousine. He ignored the 13 orphans who were fighting on the side of the road to try and lick left-over chocolate from a wrapper he had just thrown away. "Simba is an agent of the West. He is an American stooge and a British puppet. I hate everything American - er, uhm, everything except the cars, chocolates and the video games, that is. Ooooh, I just love those American video games that make me go mmmmmm."
Asked why he asked Simba to eat elephant grass, Mugabe replied that elephant grass was Africa's own native flora, and pointed out, "That traitor Simba needs to be reminded that he is African first and foremost. He should not become a slave of his American masters."
Simba meanwhile denied that he was a slave of any American or British master. "I only like American or British mistresses," he explained earnestly. "I don't mind being tied up by a beautiful American mistress with chains or becoming an obedient slave to an attractive British girl with a whip, but who in his right mind will agree to become the slave of another man? Give me a good mistress any time - yippeee."
Meanwhile Mugabe's words caused offence and outrage amongst members of the ZSMRM (Zimbabwean S&M Rights Movement) whose activists were all arrested in a pre-dawn raid last night under Mugabe's strict orders. They were escorted by police officers wielding leather whips and put in chains in an underground dungeon, much to their surprised delight and undisguised gratitude.