Vatican - (Cannibal Mess): The remains of hundreds of young adults and children have been discovered under the Vatican kitchens prompting fears the Pope will now have to come clean about pontifical ritual dietary secrets.
Some bones are thought to be only a few weeks old whereas many seem to be no older than twenty to fifty years.
A number of skeletons - up to 666 in fact - appear to relate to ceremonial feasting during the time of the last Conclave when cardinals gathered to binge out and elect a new successor to Pope JP 2.
"There is no question these are martyrs' remains," a UN expert on cannibal cults said today.
"Many victims were no more than self-donated ready-meals of course," the source continued, "buoyed by ecclesiastical mumbo-jumbo such as 'This Is My Body, This Is My Blood; Whoever Eats Of Me Shall Be Saved; Do This In Memory of Meat."
Rome authorities are now demanding to be allowed in to trawl Vatican crypts after reports that a whole colony of hand-reared battery adolescents is being farmed under the Via D'olorosa, the Vatican's sherry-producing district.
An update on this fast-breaking story is expected on Ash Wednesday.