MEXICO - In a special, televised, speech last Tuesday, Mexico President, Felipe Calderón, announced his new anti-drug plan to wash away illegal drugs and drug smugglers by literally drowning them out with pressurized water blasted from a 1500-mile-long, 2000-ft-diameter water hose.
During the fifteen minute speech, a visibly frustrated, but determined Calderón attempted to garner public support for his plan to end drug trafficking and corruption in his country. With strong statements like, "God's tears will drown out drug cartels," and "It's time to water blast corruption and stop this Drug War forever," the Mexico President put forth his radical proposal. As an added bonus, Calderón also predicted the production of the massive water hose will provide an estimated 100,000 Mexican workers with government funded temporary employment and is expected to help turn the tide on Mexico's relentlessly failing economy.
In addition to the rubber hose, Mexico is also receiving bids for a suitably sized fire hydrant in which to attach the water hose. The expected mile tall hydrant will tap into the Gulf of Mexico for it's water supply. Recent reports have indicated a manufacturing plant in China has offered the current lowest bid, followed by plants in Taiwan, then Mexico.
While Felipe Calderón, who won office in 2006 with his job creation agenda, is being hailed in Mexico as a welcome revolutionary, other countries aren't so thrilled about his new anti-drug plan. Canadian Prime Minister, Stephen Joseph Harper, has expressed concern over the unprecedented size and power of the water hose, which is excepted to release 20 million gallons of water per second, saying, "With that kind of force, Mexican citizens could very well be blasted across the entire United States and into Canada. While our country welcomes and appreciates our ever-growing Hispanic population, we really don't want to have to build a tall wall along our border, like some other countries we know".
Although U.S. President, George W. Bush supports Calderón's pro-active stance on drug corruption, Bush has been quoted as saying, "You can't fight fire with water, it don't make no sense. You need more fire!"
It remains to be seen whether Mr. Calderón's strategy will work in the long run. Many of the nation's most wanted drug-pins have already begun the training of illegally bred sea tortoises to help smuggle shipments across the predicted formation of new lakes in the Chihuahua desert and a drastically expanded Rio Grande River. To make matters worse, the International Scuba-Diving Industry has announced an unprecedented recent sale of flippers and snorkels.
"If it's a water war they want, we'll give it to them," said Eddie Moreno, who was recently appointed to Ultimate Fire Chief, from his previous position as a federal police commander. Sources were unable to confirm which, if any, drug cartel leader asked for such an H2O battle.