Written by Fergus McCarthy
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Wednesday, 30 January 2008

image for Branson Showcases Virgin 'Eco Milk' at State-of-the-art Breast Milk Farm
Stereotypical depiction of the average Virgin Milk supplier.

Publicity stunts and Richard Branson go hand in hand and so todays tacky unveiling of a 25 foot tall breast milk fountain came as little surprise to any of the assembled stunt weary hacks assembled in the 'Womb Room' at the new 'Breast Milk' processing plant in Upper Titterton, North Yorks.

"Virgin milk is the healthy and eco friendly option for your baby," Billionare Branson explained earlier. "Breast milk has long been lauded as a true superfood and with that in mind we decided that we would use this wondrous life giving beautifully packaged natural resource to reduce greenhouse emissions, end world hunger and reduce unemployment.

"It's simple really, using human milk means less reliance on dairy herds thus less methane is emitted into the atmosphere reducing their carbon fartprint.

"We have set up automatic Breast milking machines in major banks, shopping centres, dole offices and most places where new mothers are known to gather. The milking process is very discreet and totally painless, almost pleasurable or so I've been told.

"Suppliers simply pull the curtains around the chest area and place their assets through the hypoallergenic latex openings, the nipple area is sanitised and stimulated by a warm wet latex tongue and and from that point the extraction process takes 3 minutes.

"Suppliers can pass the time watching Oprah reruns on a mini screen and when the screen fades to pink they simply put their 'Virgin milk' account card in the slot and the time and payment for volume taken will be credited to their account at the end of the month.

"Virgin Credit cards also have a payment facility and are proud to be associated with this innovative new venture.

"Any questions?"

"What does it taste like?" I asked.

"Yes, I did anticipate that one, you tell me. Nice Cappuccino?" Asked a smug Branson.
"Another? Shall I be mother?"

Virgin sperm banks cumming soon to a high street near you.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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