Several European TV channels have broadcast a videotape purportedly made by Tony Blair which apparently offers the members of the EU a truce "if they stop being foreign".
According to the speaker on the tape this offer is not extended to the US.
"We're pretty sure the person on the tape is Tony Blair" said CIA spokesperson McGeorge McBundy McMillan, "though our Brit allies seem to be a little doubtful since whoever it is appears to a redheaded woman with a bouffant hairstyle and a foot long beard. Personally I have no doubt - and neither has Big Dubbya."
The voice on the tape offers "a three month window" in which European countries could "try very very hard not to be so un-British" by (for example) not eating so much garlic, not drinking so much wine, and not driving on the wrong side of the road. "If however these conditions are not met, the consequences for Europe will be dire. You've seen our football supporters when they're behaving themselves - well just think what they'd be like if we sent them abroad with our official blessing."
The speaker goes on to target specific nations. "We hate the French, despise the Germans, and think the Italians are just hilarious. So watch out you frogs krauts and eyeties, or you'll be on the receiving end of our Weapons of Mass Instruction. Yes, we'll be sending our finest nannies over there to sort you out. You have been jolly well warned."
Napoleon the 89th, French Head of Everything Gallic, was dismissive. "We've never beaten the English at anything except politics" he quipped, dragging on a Gauloise, "and I imagine that will continue into the future. So - do I care? I do not." He shrugged and spat. "Life's too short - especially his if he doesn't watch out."