Written by Jesus Budda
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Thursday, 17 January 2008

image for Guinness and Heineken really made from Shit and Piss
Dave is literally pissed on piss. Mary shouldn't look so smug - she's just downed 8 pints of shit

Representatives for multinational drinks firms Guinness and Heineken have at last come clean and admitted that they make their beverages from human excrement.

Founded by Arthur Guinness, a second generation chronic masturbator with a wooden leg and a fondness for cabbages, the Guinness brewery revitalised the Irish economy in the late 1700's and spurred the creation of an elite drinking fraternity of writers such as Johnathon Swift and later Oscar Wilde. Little did these literary greats realise that their 'genius' was being inspired by what was essentially liquid shit.

"Arthur Guinness was a greedy bastard", said Alchoholic Irish historian Leprosy O' Arsehole, "back in those days there was no private toilet facilities. People used to shit on the streets, the trees, the chimneys of houses, everywhere.

"Well, Guinness would send his minions around the area scooping up the shit on donkey and cart - the smellier and stickier the better - and through a process called 'fecespitation', he would extract the nutritious juices and allow them to ferment into what became the famous black stuff".

"The color derives from the amount of time the beer is left to ferment. The blacker the better."

"Anyone who's tasted Guinness will know it's shit", said O' Arsehole.

"The special Green Guinness sold on St Patricks Day is made from snot and vomit. That's how it gets the distinctive coloring".

Back in the US, Heineken was perfecting it's 'golden beer', which was created using a similar system except that it used freshly 'squeezed' piss from 'respectable' out-houses where private members engaged in 'golden showers' with the local talent.

"In the movie Blue Velvet, where Dennis Hopper says 'fuck that shit' when he notices what another character is drinking , he was pretty much on the money", added O' Arsehole.

Budweiser has so far refused to comment on the processes used to create their beers although experts don't suspect the involvement of human pooh in its origin.

"Due to their product branding and the extensive use of horses, I'd guess that those four legged beasts had a hand - or should I say, bottom - in the production process", said O' Arsehole.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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