Written by TheAcademic
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Sunday, 13 January 2008

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Kate McCann in Barcelona earlier

Following the successful completion of the rebranding of the McCanns in Portugal, it has today been revealed that the Team McCann brand has also been overhauled in Spanish territories too.

Gerry McCann explained that the search for their daughter was not just confined to Portugal, due to the clumsiness of Portuguese police and their failure to seal off road borders until midday on 4th May, Madeleine could feasibly be in any part of the Iberian peninsular.

He continued "We made a right hash of it in Huelva in August by distributing posters in Portuguese, the Spanish have been smarting ever since, we didn't know that Spanish and Portuguese were different languages so the time has come to make amends"

The brand overhaul is being undertaken by Metodo 3, the Spanish detective agency charged with finding Madeleine, missing since 3rd May 2007. To accommodate the increasingly broad remit of Metodo 3, they have adopted a new strapline, this, says Gerry, is the first step in rebranding Team McCann in Spain.

Metodo 3 will still be known as Metodo 3, but their full formal title will be "Metodo 3 - De todo un poco - Nos pagas y lo harémos"

At the time of going to print a suitable translation of the new strapline was not available.

Francisco Marco of Metodo 3 continues by outlining the importance of focussing the bulk of the rebranding effort on Gerry himself. "The G in Gerry is a guttural sound, not unlike the "ch" sound in a Scottish loch" he explains, the Spanish don't really like this as the preceding consonant in a person's name as it makes them cough. So we tried the alternative spelling of "Jerry"

The name Jerry had two issues, firstly a formal complaint was received from the Ayuntamiento of Jerez, they complained that the name Jerry caused in the minds of foreign nationals an unfair implied connection with their city which could have a detrimental effect on tourism.

Secondly the Spanish pronunciation of J is of course the same as the English pronunciation of H, when the Spanish said his name it sounded like they were saying "Hairy McCann"

Gerry as you know is clean shaven and this offended him, indeed he almost came to blows with the Spanish Justice minister during a meeting in November.

Following the successful portuguesification of Kate to Quét, it has been decided to give Gerry the same treatment in Spain, Gerry will be fully espanificated as "Yéri"

This move has the full backing of the Vargas family that agree that the name Yéri will be eternally synonymous with the plight of missing children.

The name McCann has also caused problems in Spain, particularly where the Castilian lisp is deployed, two adjacent C's in a word are virtually impossible to pronounce. On 6th January, 3 kings day, an elderly couple were both admitted to the infirmary in Toledo having both bitten off their tongues during a heated debate about the Madeleine case.

We aimed for a phonetic pronunciation as in Portugal and changed the name to "Mecan." To then add the look and feel of a romance language, we felt it necessary to add a vowel to the end so elected to place a trailing O.

The name "Mecano" was rejected shortly afterwards following a letter of protest from lawyers claiming to act on behalf of the Spanish 80's techno-pop group of the same name.

Alas The espanification of McCann was not going to be as easy as it was in Portugal, so we opted for something that was not only readily pronounceable to the Spanish nationals but also summed up the very essence of the case.

Gerry McCann will now be known in Spain as "Yéri MeCulpo"

The MeCulpo family overhaul doesn't stop there, Sean becomes "Juan" and in order to garner sympathy and warm fuzziness, we have used an anagram of Amelie's name, she becomes "La Miel MeCulpo"

To reflect the fact that Team McCann's Spanish base is in the Catalan capital Barcelona, the official spokesperson will from hereon in be known as Clarence Mi Txell, this also plays on Clarence's slightly effeminate demeanour.

Finally to win the hearts and minds of the people of Extremadura, specifically border town Badajoz between Lisbon and Madrid, we acknowledge their unwillingness to pronounce extraneous S sounds in their words. Commercial lawyer and fund board member Ed Smethurst will now be known as "Eduardo Smezhurt"

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