Vatican City, Vatican --
The Vatican has released some startling results from last week's holy week rites across the world.
- Many "Jesuses" complained of vile splinter injuries.
- Two men were crucified. Only one, in the Philippines, was a 'mock' crucifixion.
- The crowds got so out of control at one Passion play in Texas that they pushed Jesus, who fell to the ground more than the customary three times. He broke his leg and no one helped him..
- Sixteen parishes used an actual crown of thorns to make it 'look real.'
- Sales of nails went up considerably last week for no discernible reason, according to the hardware industry. In a related story, hospitals noted that nail-related injuries, especially of the wrists and feet went up last week as well.
- Six stigmatics were chased from their villages and stoned to death.
"The Vatican is happy that people are turning back to Jesus, but they do not condone violence in the name of religion. Well, at least not anymore," Cardinal St. Louis said today from his office in the Curia.
"After the crusades and the Inquisition and the two world wars, we've decided to stay out of warfare. Really, we have. We just don' t get a kick out of bloodshed like we used to. This is off the record, right?" He asked this reporter who mumbled her reply incoherently so she wouldn't have to go to confession again.
The unofficial 'official' word from the Holy See is that "the Pope is pissed at Mel Gibson. He wishes Mel didn't make the movie so bloody. People are like sheep and they repeat what they see. Everyone knows that. The Church counts on that and it's people like Mel Gibson who exploit that to their gain and take our sheep away. It's not fair. No! No! No!" A spokesperson who was prone to temper tantrums said today.
The Church is reeling from this latest scandal. They have asked that Mel Gibson clean up the Passion and make it more viewer-friendly and less violent.
"We really would appreciate it Mel. We do have the power to excommunicate you and send you to Hell, if you don't abide by what we say," Someone joked on a cardinal conference call this morning.
Mel Gibson has made no comment yet.
One actor who played "Jesus" in a Passion Play in the US had this to say, "It's just wrong when people kick you and beat you and try to crucify you. When you sign on to play Jesus you just don't expect that kind of behavior. How can they do this to us? You can sure bet that the Church will have a harder time getting actors to play Jesus next year. Mark my words."
He rubbed his swollen back side, which was severely splintered and began to cry. "It's just not fair. My friend played Jesus at his parish and they left him on the cross for six hours. We are considering a class action suit against the makers of the film. Mental anguish and Saviour-like suffering." He continued.
Again, Mel Gibson had no comment.
Perhaps, he will deny the movie had anything to do with this three times just like Peter. "Now, isn't it ironic?" Alanis Morissette sang to a crowd somewhere. She wasn't referring to my last statement, but hey, "it's my story and I'll end it like I want to..."