OTTAWA, Canada - A Government White Paper has been leaked, outlining a draft for Canada to buy the United States. The plan contends that the strength of the loonie, the country's proven oil reserves, its unlimited natural resources and strong fiscal policy make the buyout very feasible.
As part of the basic framework, Canada would immediately, sell the Province of Quebec and the State of Louisiana to France and give Newfoundland to Great Britain in reparation for leaving the Commonwealth.
The White Paper acknowledges three priorities from the outset: Iraq, immigration and the deficit. According to the report these issues would be intertwined and resolved almost simultaneously in a three to seven year plan. As envisioned, all illegals would become citizens providing they serve a three term year in either Iraq or Afghanistan or work the oil tar sands in Alberta. This would not only resolve the Iraq problem plus the estimated twelve million illegals but put the country into surplus and at the same time make it self- sufficient in oil.
The report concedes the biggest obstacle that could derail the whole thing is one of cultural clashes -- Hockey will replace baseball as the national pastime and Canadisms such as hoose, aboot, chesterfield, washroom, eh, 'zed for zee', and other colloquialisms will be part of the school curriculum, starting at pre-k."
The reaction from the Mahovlich brothers from Timmins, Ontario to the Canadian report was typical, "F***ing,eh,you hoser,long as I can watch Hockey Night in Canada drink a two-four of cold Molson, not that American piss, and get my Tim Horton donuts everything is friggin' A-OK with me,eh."
The non hostile bid is expected to be presented February 14, 2008, coincidently Valentine's Day.