Germany - (Bear Ass Mess): A new policy initiative at Nurmeberg Zoo has consigned scores of newly-born bi-polar bear cubs to death row after authorities vowed never again to go the Knut path of human hand-rearing.
And the new beneficiaries of this conservation policy are the wives of Russian oligarchs, whose seamstresses are turning the cubs' pelts into haute-couture knickers.
Numeberg Zoo has now been besieged with enquiries after the policy announcement on Friday.
"It was madness last year," head keeper of the bear section said today following the news that two female bi-polars - Viagra and CVagina - had just whelped. "From now on if cubs get abandoned, rejected, left to starve or die of hypothermia then that's tough luck.
"These two new mothers are right old slags in bi-polar bear terms, but why should that bother us?
"Rearing young Knut cost Berlin Zoo an arm and a leg last year despite the increased visitor numbers.
"And now we've been offered a damned good price for each baby bi-polar pelt, so any cubs going belly up soon after birth is no big deal around here.
"In fact, this could even be a right little earner for us with each newborn's pelt selling for a minimum of five grand a go.
"The fur is so sought after we've had dozens of Russian oligarches literally queueing up on our doorsteps asking to reserve a pelt or two as Xmas presents for their wives and girldfriends.
"Apparently top-notch couturiers turn them into knickers.
"Furry side in or out? Not a clue."