Washington, DC (8 Apr 2004): Faced with rapidly mounting troop losses in Iraq, the Pentagon has announced that it plans to deploy thousands of "Super-Soldiers" to quell the growing resistance to the American occupation.
"Our stop-loss policy enhancements have helped to bolster the forces so far," U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld told reporters. [See Pentagon Announces Stop-Loss Policy Enhancements, posted to this site on 20 Jan. 2004 --ed.] "But there's been a recent uptick in obstructive activities by isolated Ba'ath Party loyalists and a few scattered fringe groups, such as Sunnis and Shi'ites, who don't want to see a free and democratic Iraq.
"So we feel that now is the optimum time to roll out a completely new, technologically superb weapon: The Depleted Uranium Human, or 'DUH' for short.
"These are former American soldiers who have been exposed to depleted uranium in Iraq since 1990, whether in the first Gulf War or more recently, in Operation Iraqi Freedom, Operation Iron Hammer, or any other pet names we use for the current theatre of operations."
The first contingent of DUH forces will be shipped to Iraq within a few days.
As Secretary Rumsfeld explained, DUHs have many advantages over ordinary humans in modern combat. For example, they do not need any special armor, because they exude an aura of radioactivity sufficient to thwart any conventional weapon, including rocket-propelled grenades and hand-thrown stones.
Nor do they need catering corps support, because eating food aggravates their tendency to experience diarrhea and other gastrointestinal disturbances.
Further, DUHs -- particularly of the male variety -- generally do not need any family support stipend, because most of the children they beget have moderate to severe birth defects, and die an early death.
Secretary Rumsfeld acknowledged that DUHs are "not perfect," in that they tend to experience dizziness, difficulties in concentration, and other neurological disturbances. But this is a minor concern, the Secretary said, because "we have a potential supply of many tens of thousands of DUHs, that will continue to develop for many, many years."
When asked if the "Super-Soldier" program is perhaps a desperate response to the sudden escalation of conflicts in Iraq, the Secretary replied: "Can you say DUH?"