Written by NickFun
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Thursday, 20 December 2007

image for Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer dies of alcoholism
"Good riddance to ya", Santa said from his North Pole tax haven

Rudolph, the famous beacon nosed reindeer who helped Santa Claus guide his sleigh during a treacherous winter night some 60 years ago, has died of alcoholism. He was 73.

"Rudolph has had a problem with alcohol for many years", said Blitzen, a fellow reindeer Rudolph had worked with for a number of years. "After he passed puberty he discovered his nose would not shine without drinking a lot of Jack Daniels."

Rudolph gained fame in the winter of 1947 when trillionaire gift-giver Santa Claus asked 13-year-old Rudolph to put his genetically mutated red nose to good use by guiding his steroid-enhanced group of reindeer on one of his yearly round the world trips to deliver gifts to Christian families that could already afford them. Though Rudolph had been constantly taunted for his mutation, he managed to gain a certain degree of fame among his reindeer peers. The following year Santa invested in high-powered headlights. Rudolph was never again asked to guide Santa's sleigh.

Rudolph's red nose began to subside after puberty. After his red nose began to subside, Rudolph took to drinking prodigious amounts of alcohol which helped him maintain a bit of the red nosed glory he become famous for. Sadly, Rudolph's nose never again achieved the brilliance and promise of its youth.

In 1953 Rudolph moved from the North Pole to Los Angeles and attempted a career in Hollywood but his dreams of stardom were shattered as Hollywood producers found it easier and more profitable to use animated reindeer for their productions. Around that same time he married his childhood sweetheart Clarise and they sired two offspring. The marriage didn't work out and they were divorced two years later.

In 1958 Rudolph took a job as an insurance salesman for Liberty Mutual. The job lasted seven months before Rudolph grew tired of the corporate environment and started drinking even more heavily.

In 1967 Rudolph checked into Cottage Hospital in Santa Barbara, CA in an effort to become sober. The results were short lived and Rudolph soon found himself living on the streets relying on handouts. One local resident remembers Rudolph staggering down the street screaming, "I'm Rudolph the frickin red nosed reindeer!!!"

Around August of 1978 Rudolph regained his sobriety and moved to Alaska where he worked pulling sleighs for carnival side shows. His true identity was hidden even from his employers who simply referred to him as "that dumb reindeer".

Rudolph spent his remaining years living in squalor in a rented SUV succumbing to his love of Jack Daniels and collecting his social security checks.

Rudolph leave his ex-wife Calrise, his son Donder and a daughter Jackie. Funeral arrangements are incomplete.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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