The inquest into the deaths of Princess Diana and her boyfriend Dodi al-Fayed has descended into a veritable horrorshow of blood and gore, according to witnesses.
Ever more disgraceful and disgusting details about the Princess's habits and lifestyle are being trotted out in Court and all across the media, for no apparent constructive reason, said one witness, Elsie Gossip, 93.
Gossip was a cleaner at the home of Mr al-Fayed, and gave evidence in Court that she had found several used Strawberry-flavoured Rubber Johnnies in a bathroom bin, suggesting that Mr al-Fayed and the Princess were enjoying "close relations".
Royal yachtswoman Deborah Gribble had already told the jury that she had spied contraceptive pills in Diana's handbag - a sign, she said, of "sexual intent". She has yet to explain what she was doing with her mitts inside the handbag.
Abigail Clott, an assistant at Boots the Chemist in Kensington, claimed that she sold the Princess a Home Pregnancy Testing Kit only days before her death, but dustman Ernie Rubbish swore that he spilled the contents of Diana's dustbin all over the pavement and saw bloodstained tampons, indicating that, if she was having Periods, she could not have been pregnant. The jury muttered in agreement.
The Very Public Inquest is set to get even more despicable today, when London Metropolitan Borough Council Sewage Operatives are expected to give evidence that they were called to a blockage underneath Mr al-Fayed's property and removed several "large stools" from pipes. There is a popular curry house within walking distance of the house.