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Wednesday, 19 December 2007

image for Advice for Christmas Drunks Everywhere from China!
The Festive Increase in Binge Consumption

Notorious Wilma Proops has again been pilloried in the press and yet more disgrace heaped on her eponymous Problem Page. The Agony Aunt to the stars - including Britney Spears, David Blaine, Tony Blair and the Kennedy clan - failed to live up to her own advice in an incident which took place under a table at the annual Winterval Awards hosted by the National Carers Symposium.

A spokesperson for the WANCS issued a statement denying that the incident in any way influenced the vote of the committee member who was also involved in the incident - pictures of which have adorned the nation's gutter press. The identity of the member remains unclear but anyone who has seen the pictures will be left in no doubt that the member was male.

Following the press conference held to issue the statement, Wilma Proops was forced to retract her earlier drunken refutation of the photographic evidence in which she blamed an unforeseen migraine attack, a trick of the light, a venison sausage and camera phones. In an effort to reclaim moral high ground the infamous Agony Aunt drew attention to advice she has given in the past concerning drunk readers' services. Quietening her gob-smacked critics she hailed the "shenanigans" in a leading London hotel's banqueting suite as a "timely reminder of the effects of increased alcohol consumption at this time of year can have".

"Like I tell my readers" she said "we are a nation of binge drinkers so why the surprise when these things happen?"

Wilma took the opportunity to promote her website which, she claimed, is the ONLY Comedy Problem Page in the world and touted a standard letter of apology she reproduces there for her readers, ready for use when they inevitably make drunken fools of themselves during the festivities. The letter - which readers are invited to copy electronically, fill in the blanks, delete as necessary and send to the host/hostess, guest/guests of the dinner/house party/reception where their unfortunate drunken incident took place - is based on a letter dated to 5th century BC China.

"If nothing else this letter proves that people everywhere have always made drunken fools of themselves, so get over it!" concluded Wilma.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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