Vice-President Dick 'Peace, Love And Underfunding' Cheney is to have the world's first species change. Speaking from his hospital bed last night, Cheney revealed that:
- He has harboured secret desires to be a viper since the age of four
- He often goes out at night, dressed as a fruit bat
- His favourite pastime is 'running in a hamster wheel'
A spokesperson for Cheney has also revehaled that the American #2 is pregnant: "Yes", said the person. Under the Official Secrets And Hiding Things Act 2005, no further comments were given.
President Bush is believed to have given his full support to Cheney:
"Whatever Dick wants to do is fine by me. He was my friend during my own personal crisis, wen I couldn't get the top off the bottle, and I will be his friend during his. My fellow Amrrrrcnnns - how much do I get for saying that?"
Species change operations were pioneered in 1938 by Dr Lucas Gorgonzola at the University of Fine Cheeses in Paris. Initial results were disappointing - a cabbage crossed with a member of the Nazi Party ran amok, giving lectures at random and eventually having to be destroyed.
Another early experiment involved mixing genetic material from a chimp and injecting it into another chimp. The researchers couldn't make up their minds which genes had been passed on, until the second animal began playing the saxophone. Hitherto this experiment, only the 'test monkey' had been able to play. A surprising result was, the second animal was able to play 'Autumn Leaves' - a tune not learned by chimp number 1.
This line of research was abandoned, however, when both monkeys began wearing dark glasses, snapping their fingers and taking heroin.
A Democratic Party spokesperson was horrified: "I'm horrified", he said. "These experiments were initiated by Henry Frankenstein in 1928, the man who actually invented the Republican Party - did you know that? Good. Now, did you ALSO know that the Republicans invented Atilla The Hun? You members of the press MUST get these facts correct"
(Lord Greville Protein is on holiday. Anyone knowing who Lord Protein actually is, please write in with details)