Written by Shaun Ferguson
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Sunday, 16 December 2007

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In a move hailed as a bold modernisation of community life the European Union has issued a directive cancelling future occurrences of Christmas.

It is widely seen as a result of a general apathy toward religion, the stress of buying useless presents, cooking for large numbers of little known relatives and the turmoil of family rows.

The National Union of Shop Workers has welcomed the announcement as a relief from the burden of Christmas and economists believe it will spread spending habits through the year in a more rational way.

Enthusiasm for Christmas has been waning for several years, with city centre congestion charging and parking fines keeping shoppers away from the high streets and its original religious roots having long been hidden for fear of offending non-Christians.

However conspiracy theorists see it as further capitulation to the growing Muslim domination of Europe, expected to reach a new peak if Turkey is allowed to join the Union. This interpretation of events is especially poignant since the recent replacement of the Archbishop of Canterbury with Imam Naila Kafir and the conversion of Westminster Abbey into Victoria Mosque.

Christmas day will remain a public holiday but will now simply be called Winter Bank Holiday. Boxing day will cease to exist.

The Church of England has reacted angrily to the news, as have both of the UK's remaining churchgoers.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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