Christmas has been cancelled until at least 2009 due to a series of upheavals at the North Pole workshop of Santa Claus [known in Britain as Father Christmas].
Global warming and the subsequent melting of the polar ice cap resulted in the workshop's being underwater. This put quite a crimp in toy production. Santa's application to Washington D.C. for disaster relief was turned down on the grounds that global warming does not exist and anyone who thinks it does wants the terrorists to win. [A sympathetic Washington insider advised Santa, "Bad timing. Try applying again in 2009 when Hillary is president. You'll have better luck."]
With his production and distribution facilities in a soggy shambles, Santa was forced to outsource his toymaking to China. But this triggered a strike among the elves who were outraged at the loss of their work. "Flood, my ass - Santa was just waiting for an excuse to lay us off!" said union SpokesElf Grumpy. "Those Chinks will work for one-tenth the pay with no benefits. How are we supposed to compete with that?
Worse, it was soon revealed that corrupt elves were running an identity theft ring out of the computer department where they worked. They pocketed millions of dollars in bribes for moving misbehaving children off the Naughty list and onto the Nice list. By stealing the identities of nice children, at least 13,000,000 naughty children who were scheduled to receive only lumps of coal instead got video iPods.
Then came the abrupt resignation of lead reindeer Rudolph. A cameraphone video now up on YouTube captured the dramatic confrontation between Santa and Rudolph:
SANTA: Rudolph with your nose so bright, won't you guide my sleigh tonight?
RUDOLPH: You gotta be shitting me, Fatso! All of your other reindeer laugh at me and call me names, they never let me join in any reindeer games - and now you expect me to guide those assholes? The whole lot of you can just suck my big furry reindeer cock!
In all, 2007 was shaping up as the worst Christmas since 2003, when Muslim terrorists hijacked Santa's sleigh and crashed it into the Sears Tower. President Bush used this incident as an excuse to declare war on Belgium, saying "Belgium had every bit as much to do with this as Iraq had with 9/11!" [You've got to admit that Bush's logic, so far as it goes, is unassailable.]
But right when it seemed things couldn't get any worse - they did. Santa Claus was fired.
It happened after he led off a radio interview with his trademark line, "Ho, Ho, Ho!" unaware that the word had been declared racist, sexist and politically incorrect. Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton were outraged [that's what they do for a living, after all.] and announced, "It's not enough that an overfed white male insults all black women by saying the 'H' word - he does it three times in rapid succession! Making him 3 times worse than Don Imus! Santa Claus needs to be fired. And he needs to redeem himself, by paying millions of dollars to us. Making his checks payable to Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. Or better yet, to 'cash'. God's forgiveness is free - but ours will cost him!"
North Pole insiders have hinted at the Tooth Fairy as a possible replacement Santa. But for now rumors are easier to come by than facts, and Christmas is cancelled until further notice.