Written by Rasputin
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Wednesday, 31 March 2004

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bin-Laden : "We will wipe him off the face of the Middle-earth"

The world was literally sitting on the edge of its seat yesterday as American government officials announced at the Pentagon that they had pinpointed the exact location of the world's most notorious terrorist, Osama bin-Laden.

Footage obtained from intelligence services clearly shows bin-Laden's presence in the hit film trilogy, ‘The Lord of the Rings'. Clad in a full-length white cloak, with a long, grey beard and wizard's staff, there was no doubt in anyone's mind that bin-Laden had been masquerading for the past few years as Gandalf. "Obviously, it's a very momentous discovery," said Dr. Klaus Docktor of the CIA (Criminals In Action-blockbusters). "In the video we have obtained, you can clearly see bin-Laden, or ‘Gandalf' as he's referred to in the tape, leading a band of about nine or ten people on forced marches over every sort of terrain, be it mountain or marshland or erupting volcano. What this suggests is that these people with him are either a personal collective of bodyguards, or al-Qaeda terrorists in training."

In a presidential address, caretaker-president Dubya "George" Bush said that, "We know that bin-Laden is in possessitude of Rings of Mass Destruction. We have ascertainified that the rogue state of Mordor is eager to obtain such a powerful implement. Were these to fall into the wrong hands, turrists could strike anywhere at any tahm." Gondor and Rohan have already been placed on high terrorist alert. King Aragorn of Gondor was reported to have said, "We shall meet them on the fields of Pellenor, and die fighting for our freedom."

It's a wonder why the Americans did not spot bin-Laden before. "With those two huge towers, especially the one with the giant, fiery eye on the top of it, it stupificates me that we managed to miss him all those tahms," President Bush said.

American intelligence agencies now suspect that bin-Laden has established a base camp in somewhere ‘very hilly'. A saturation bombing of Scotland has been ordered 'just for the hell of it', after which they will start searching for bin-Laden in New Zealand.

Orders were also given to bring in, dead or alive, a hideously deformed creature known only as ‘al-Gollum'. "We have reason to believe," added Dr. Docktor, "that this being has valuable information, shown by his unflinching desire to protect ‘the precious'. We believe that he is bin-Laden's right hand man." However, there are also reports that al-Gollum comitted suicide by casting himself into Mount Doom.

Opposition has already arisen, with renowned and respected writer Michael Moore denouncing the findings as ‘pig crap'.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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