Foot & Mouth disease, Blue Tongue Virus, Avian Flu, Verbal diarrhoea, Potato Blight, STDs, Alcoholism, you name it and Britain has got it! Why should people still want to come here?
Today, Loughborough University scientists discovered a new disease which is predicted to reach epidemic proportions in less than six months, thus rendering "Our Green and Pleasant Land" paralysed. This disease is so deadly and contagious that even immigrants will catch it. The government has announced that it is to take immediate action.
This disease is called 'Plumbitis', or swinging the lead; (Plumb = Latin word meaning lead).
Professor Arty Choke from the university's laboratory for contagious diseases has given a list of symptoms to look out for; he asks:
- Are you Obese
- Do you suffer from Stress
- Have you had Back Ache
- Do you suffer Migraines
- Do you Claim Incapacity Benefit
Mr Ivor Nicetime, from Toxteth told In Seine News "This is really bad news for me… that means I've gotta go and find a job which will send my stress level sky high. I'll have no time to spend at the pub anymore and I won't be able to have a good mixed grill at the local greasy spoon. What am I going to do? I'm only 24 and will have to sell my XBox. Sharon and the kids will go ape!"
The bill for Incapacity Benefit is said to cost the government over £2 billion and much of this could be spent on better things; such as Olympic stadiums, upgrading our nuclear deterrent, purchasing new boots for the entire British Army, compensating Northern Rock Investors.
It is estimated that as many as 94% of politicians fit the criteria for Plumbitis, so the House of Commons may have to be dissolved. It is important that the MPs who present the symptoms should be culled and a rash of by-elections be held. Naturally the Foreign Office are going to claim 'Diplomatic Immunity'.
John Prescott is said to be one of the first to go.