Written by Monkey Woods
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Tuesday, 20 November 2007

image for McCartney/Mills Separation Secret Revealed: RATS!
With roast potatoes, carrots and peas

Heather Mills, the limping former wife of ex-Beatle Sir Paul Mills-McCartney, has gone public on the reasons for the couple's acrimonious split - thousands of rats!

Mills, was venting her spleen yesterday in London at Speaker's Corner in Hyde Park, about how we should all eat greener if we want to avoid warming the globe. She suggested that each and every one of us drink Rat's Milk - and that we should eat rats too!

She said that she keeps thousands of the rodents at the home she shared with Sir Paul, and that the place resembled a 'rat farm'. Naturally, he had grown tired of the smell, the mess and the fact that several months of gnawing at her wooden leg had rendered her "unbalanced".

Supported by Animal Rights charity Viva!, Mills told bemused listeners that she had eaten a vegan diet since May, and that using rats rather than livestock for food is good for the environment, if not for the bowels.

Wearing a dog fur coat, and standing on a box made from recycled prosthetic limbs, the money-grabbing ex-human told her weary audience that Sir Paul hadn't been supportive enough of her Veganism, and she had decided to end their four-year marriage on that basis not, as was commonly thought, for a massive pay-off.

Sir Paul, off recording another tribute album to his dead vegetarian wife Linda, said:

"I can't be putting up with veganism - I like me pork pies too much!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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