Israel, near Jerusalem --
The greatests archaeology discovery in three minutes has been made. Biblical scholars all over the world are rejoicing. In a bathroom near modern-day Jerusalem, remnants of a scroll that was used for toilet paper were discovered.
"This is the greatest discovery ever," Job Lessness said today from a tent in the desert. "I can't believe they found it. We thought it was lost forever."
Just what is it you may ask? "Currently, scholars are debating. We can't tell if it's a recipe or a shopping list. We think this is what Jesus gave to the Apostles to get ready for the Last Supper, but some think it's just his mother's recipe for gefilte fish matzo soup. Depending upon whether you use 1st century BCE Aramaic or 1st Century AD Hebrew, it could be either. I use the Aramaic BCE, which is probably what Jesus spoke." Ara Maicspeaker told the media.
Ara is the chief translator on the project. When asked what the document says, she told this Spoof reporter:
- Unleavened bread to transubstantiate
- a really cool looking chalice that will make people seek it for centuries
- honey for my sweet-tooth
- ben-gay for my aching joints
- A few fish and several loaves
- Water to turn into wine after the wine is all gone
- A couple of mustard seeds to sprinkle and see if they take root
- Flowers and candles to set the mood
- Shampoo for Magdalene since she insists on drying our feet with her hair
When Ara was asked if she thought that perhaps this was a joke, she replied, "God does NOT have a sense of humor. I read the Bible so I have it on good faith. This is not a joke."
In the background, a few of her colleagues were laughing hysterically saying, "See, I told you we could fool her. It's so easy."