In another stunning announcement, Lynn Cheney states that Osama bin Laden is a ninth cousin to hubby Dick.
She discovered this connection while coming across a steamer full of documents hidden in the family closet. The link traces back to ancestor Cowardly Cheney, a Knight Templar in Damascus in 1240.
Fleeing from conscription, Cowardly was captured by troops loyal to Sultan Ibn Bin Der Dun Dat. Forced to convert to Islam at swordpoint, Cowardly went on to become a famous Sufi mystic who penned this immortal verse: Under the Saracen moon, dates a-plenty; beloved I beseech thee, just one sip of hooch, just one bite of a BigMac; I will die, spent; in thy arms.
Intrigued, Lynn Cheney conducted an exhaustive research and discovered that Cowardly married the Sultan's 75th daughter Harisa (by his 19th wife) and fathered 15 children. His son Abou ben Cheney founded the clan and begat Owid; who begat Owad who begat Osaycanusee who begat Nabila. Nabila married into a Bedouin clan from whose loins sprang the Saudi Royal family. Osama is desccended from this family.
"We're thrilled with this connection" said an ecstatic Lynn. "Dick and I have invited him over for Thanksgiving - complete with our ritual turkey shoot".
A Cheney family spokesman said what clinched the family connection was the common interest in oil. "Dick's always wondered why he has felt his tug towards the Middle East, why he has been so flushed with oil. Doesn't God work in mysterious ways?"
Osama declined to comment. His second-in-command Ayman Al-Zawahiri said he would be issuing a video denouncing the infidel 'Aliburton. "Our beloved leader would never have anything to do with left-handed eaters of innocent Muslim children. Death to the infidel".