Newly de-classified Pentagon documents reveal that Canada and India have been involved in back-channel diplomacy with Al-Qaeda to provide Osama bin Laden with asylum.
Given Canada's liberal refugee policy and India's flourishing people-smuggling racket the plan involves disguising Osama bin Laden as a Sikh fleeing police brutality in the Punjab. Canada border officials have been directed to look the other way. .
In his new identity as Mr. Ollie Ben Linden Singh, OBL will initially check into 24 Sussex Drive (the Prime Minister's residence) where he will do maintenance work in exchange for room and board. Daring the opposition Liberals to bring da house down, Prime Minister Steve Harper has notified the White House that this is now a fait accompli. [The White House asked for a translation in Americanese - the language Jesus spoke]
Opposition Leader Stephane Dion (checking polls) has decided not to bring the government down but to introduce so many amendments that the other opposition parties will have no choice but to vote against the government. That way, said Mr. Dion it will be a win-win for all.
Enraged Pentagon officials were said to be putting plans together to nuke Canada. Secretary of Defense Robert Gates held a press conference where he stated, "Canada is a threat to America, it a a member of the taxes of evil.
Celebrating his 105th birthday a wrinkled Henry Kissinger intoned "The Indians are bastards anyway. They're always plotting a war. Take Indira Gandhi, we really slobbered over the old witch. But while she was a bitch we got what we wanted too. Now these goddamned Indians, they are the most aggressive goddamn people around. By God we will cut off economic aid to India.
When reminded that he was not the President and the Pentagon was planning to nuke Canada Kissinger said "POTUS, that maroon, sheesh, he's forever hunting wabbits". Reminded that it was Dick Cheney who was the accidental hunter Kissinger replied "Ja, wasn't he in ze Vizard of Ahz - you know ze one viz no heart"
White House spokesperson Sean McCormack stepped in to clarify: "What Mr Kissinger means is that we have to first bomb Iran, then Pakistan, then India then Canada. After that we might decide to go after Cuba and Liechtenstein"