General Pervez Musharraf appeared on prime-time TV yesterday and admitted that he had fired the entire "Pakistani Idol" panel of judges because rumors had reached him "that they meant to boot me off the island".
In what was probably his best performance to date Musharraf beseeched viewers (in English and grammatically distorted Urdu):"My fellow Pakistanis, you must trust me when I tell you that I believe I am the best. I did everything those judges told me. I changed my look for every performance, jazzed up my outfits; updated my repertoire, chose the right blend of ballads and love songs. I was two-hundred percent confident that I would win. All my supporters in the US and UK had phoned in favor of me but a little birdie told me that the judges planned to boot me off so I had no choice but to fire them".
When reminded that the final decision had not yet been delivered and that fellow contestant Benazir Bhutto had still not sung her final song, Musharraf snapped his heels together stating, "I believe I was the best performer. My penultimate performance "Osa(ma) can you see by the dawn's early light" was delivered with such emotion. Even my ethnic outfit was sewn by my mother". Contacted at her residence General Mummy waggled her head, "He is such a naughty boy my Pervez, but a good performer no?".
Chief judge Simon Ifthikar, (who is on the run) spoke from his hiding place. He admitted that Musharraf's rendition of "BB BB can't you hear my heart beat" didn't quite cut the mustard; nor did his off-key rendition of "Don't cry for me Waziristan". Judge Simon Ifthikar said that although the panel preferred Ms. Bhutto's rendition of "Swat's it all about Mushie" no final decision had been made and rumors of a 1-2 split were just that - rumors. Unfortunately, phone connection with the judge was cut before your reporter could get further details.
Insisting that "a rigged vote threatens national security" Musharraf maintained that he had no option but to declare a musical emergency; otherwise "extremists and bad people" would have taken over. A new panel of tone-deaf judges will declare him the winner in three months after which the emergency will be lifted. Runner-up Ms. Bhutto is expected to receive an all-expenses paid one-way trip to Saudi Arabia courtesy of Pakistani Airlines.