REDMOND, Washington -- When Microsoft Corp. entered the software business in the 1980s, Apple and Commodore were the early leaders and Intel was the late-bloomer.
Microsoft Chief Executive Steve Ballmer conceded Thursday "We should have went with the Commodore 64". "When you consider the speed advancements in today's Intel's high powered micro-processor chips users find our software bugs at rates 100 times faster then before. It could have taken years for anyone to notice on one of those Commodore babies!"
"At Microsoft, we are convinced wireless is the wave of the future" Ballmer conveyed to 1000 vendors at the quarterly Gadget Convention. We're experimenting now with human mounted wireless technology with built in GPS capabilities. You won't have spend hours writing creative expense reports, your boss is pretty much going to know where you are and what your doing, Ballmer explained. Our MWAN (Manned Wide Area Network) includes a small antenna mounted as close as humanly possible to the top of the head while the screen will be optional wrist watch sized plasma or inconspicuous sun glass technologies."
"The implant recovery rate is around 93% but doctors expect better future results. Ex basketball players seem ideal for the technology while the midget success rate has caused bigger hurdles. The accountants and attorneys have developed a "flat rate scale" for the failures thus keeping away individual and class action suites."
"It's not totally bug free yet and there is a privacy issue at stake here, I mean hell, what if your spouse were to peek in on you during a nooner with a co-worker. We're not out to bust any balls with this stuff, we are just trying to make sure we get the biggest bang for our buck out of the high-dollar high-tech salaries we have to pay. It's a tough and fast paced business world out there, our goal is to totally eliminate the time it takes for new products to become obsolete, explained Ballmer."