Minneapolis, MA - John Fourfeathers, casino magnate and direct descendent of Crazy Horse, the legendary Indian warrior, reacted angrily today to the latest findings from controversial anthropologist Magnus Nilssonson.
Nilssonson, of the University of Minnesota, has resurrected the arcane and largely discredited 19th century theory that Native Americans are descended from the Welsh.
But Nilssonson has, nonetheless, introduced some intriguing new evidence into the bitter debate and has denied having any personal motive or axe to grind, despite the grisly fate of his Great-Great Grandfather.
Almost as legendary as Crazy Horse was Nils Nilssonson, an early settler in Minnesota and famous as the only man to be scalped twice. In a strange twist of Lamarckian genetic theory all of Nils' direct descendants, both male and female have been totally bald from birth. Nonetheless, Dr Nilssonson disclaims this as a reason for his theory, saying that he accepts the Darwinian model of inherited characteristics.
However, this is incidental to the controversy and Nilssonsons main points are as follows.
- Both the Welsh and Indians have silly names, unpronouncable and incomprehensible to normal people.
- Eating coal is important in ritual and diet for both peoples.
- The Welsh and Indians are known to burst into song at the slightest provocation.
- Both peoples are crap at rugby.
Mr Fourfeathers has taken the greatest offense at Nilssonsons claim about the silly names: Fourfeathers tribal name being "Nakanaraknan"loosely translated as "Leaking Rubber"
A laughing Nilssonson said that this name only goes to prove the inability of "plains vermin" to cope with the white man's advanced technology.