09:00 26 March 2004
In the spirit of Alfred Nobel's foundation and the famous Peace Prize created by the inventor of nitroglycerine explosives, this year's winners have carried on the tradition of the prize "in having done the most or the best work for fraternity between nations".
Adolf Sharon and Gerrymander Bush beat off fierce competition to clinch the award for most innovative use of high explosives in the "surprise" section of the award categories. Judges commended the Bush nomination for restaurant location in Iraq, despite the fact that the target, a Mr A Salad Insane, was not actually a diner at the time. Similarly, in the "outdoor, seriously disabled victim, wheelchair" category the Sharon nomination was praised for its imagination, innovation and sheer audacity in the face of world condemnation.
The chair of the judging panel, Dr Arma Geddon, explained why the prize was shared. "We simply couldn't separate the two nominations as the personnel involved in both strikes were from the same military and political organisations. For this reason we decided on the joint prize, thus ensuring credit where credit is due."
Controversy had flared earlier in the judging sessions when an entry for a nail bomb attack on a Haifa bus had been disqualified as the ferrous content of the device used was deemed too high. "We have rules about steel to explosives ratios", explained Dr Geddon, "and the nail bombs did not meet the specification, whereas missiles made in the USA are quite OK to use as they comprise titanium, carbon fibre and aluminium - with very little steel content". Similarly, all nominations involving aircraft were disqualified on the kerosine/nitroglycerine ratio regulations, a specific rule in honour of Dr Nobel's background as a chemist.
Claims by Palestinans that the ferrous ratio regulations are skewed in favour of countries that can afford high tech weapons were dismissed by Mr Sharon's spokesman, Avi Tallourownway. "Why do they bleat on about unfair advantage all the time", Mr Tallourownway explained. "we were happy enough being told to leave out hundreds of thousands of our tank-on-civilian incidents, where the steel to explosive ratio is very high - so what's the problem?"
Despite the vote of 148 nations against and 2 in favour, a smiling Mr Bush, who pretends to be from Texas, welcomed the award. Grinning under a huge stetson hat and looking remarkably like his idol, Ernie Wise, Mr Bush said "Yep, we used our vetoes to win again but this award is just a reinforcity of the fraternitude between our two great nations, united and peacified under the flag of the blue star and two stripes". Mr Tallmyownway added, from inside his tank, that the world was a safer place as a result of this Peace Prize.
Off the record, an elated Mr Bush quipped with reporters "Y'all know I'm a true noble already - don't need a noble peace prize heh heh". An aide explained that Mr Bush is under the delusion that he is a direct descendant of King Edward I of Texas County, Englandshire.