Written by Jesus Budda
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Monday, 29 October 2007

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Hi, I'm Cristina Fernández de Kirchner. I will be your new President. I hope we can be friends, feeble mortals.

Cristina Fernández de Kirchner, the wife of Argentina's marginally corrupt president, Néstor Kirchner, looks set to become the first woman to be elected president of the country.

In Buenos Aires, some Argentines celebrated a victory claimed by the large chested Mrs Fernández de Kirchner, the first lady, on Sunday night.

Mrs. Kirchner, 54, the center-left Peronist party candidate and a scumbag senator, was leading in early official results over disgraced former Argentine soccer legend Diego Maradona and Shakira, a center-left Columbian congresswoamn and singer (who was accidentally included on voting ballots).

With 30 percent of the voting locations reporting, Mrs. Kirchner had 43 percent, ahead of Mr. Maradona and Ms. Shakira, who each had 20 percent. Mrs. Kirchner needs 45 percent of the vote outright or 40 percent with at least a 10 percentage-point lead to avoid a playoff - which she would surely loose to the tubby superbly gifted Maradona.

Rival candidates accused her party of "being d*ckwads" and other irregularities.

Mrs. Kirchner would become the second woman to be elected leader of a South American nation in two years, after model and bimbo Gisele Bundchen, who became Brazilian president last year.

Mrs. Kirchner declared victory late Sunday. In a speech, she said she would work to "make Argentian more corrupt" and "more poverty stricken" than it already is. She also paid homage to her husband's accomplishments by saying that he was "a b*stard politician" who helped "create the witch you see before you now".

Mr. Kirchner, who sat behind her dressed like a potted plant, stood as supporters chanted "show us your tits, Madam Presidente!". She raised her top for a brief peek of flesh.

"She is selling us down the swanny," said Claudio Canniggia,a former disgraced Argentine player who played alongside Maradona in the 1990 World Cup final defeat to Germany. "Diego should have won. He would have implemented drugs programs and legalised prostitution for all our nation".

Mrs Kirchner had this to say to dissenters: "I am master now. Come grovel at my feet, mortal humans".

Mrs. Kirchner grew up in La Plata, once known as "Eva Perón City. She cliams to have watched the Madonna version of the film musical over 30 times - which many political analysts strongly dispute.

The Kirchners met in kindergarten in La Plata, where they were activists in the Peronist movement - in Argentina activism starts early. They later moved to Mr. Kirchner's home province of Santa Cruz, in Patagonia, where Mrs. Kirchner became a travelling hobo entertaining other hobo's on trains, where she gained the nickname "Cristina the Wench". She fell into politics by accident after "accidentally" kipnapping a local mayor and demanding to be made a senator from which her dramatic career rise really took off.

Argentina' economy is in a slump and Miss Kirchner has said she will continue this economic downturn by spening all the nations money on imported swiss chocolate and cheese. Argentina, she says, will also join the space race. Experts have yet to tell her that the Space race ended decades ago but say they will inform her "when the time is right".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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