Written by Dan Holmes
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Topics: Microsoft, software

Saturday, 27 March 2004

image for Microsoft hit by record EU tantrum
If I had his throat in my hands..,.

Software giant Microsoft must suffer the consequences of a European Commission hissy fit, it emerged today.

EU Competition Commissioner Mario Monti said "Microsoft must pay the price for being the world's most successful company - especially since it's American. We Old Europeans are fed up with you yanks having everything your own way. Trade, space, technology - we're fucking fed up with it." However since he said it in Italian hardly anybody in the world (let alone the EU) understood a word.

Microsoft's Steve Ballmer, Bill Gates Elect, has already said they will fight the decision. "We have more fucking money than the whole of the EU" said Ballmer to theSpoof, squeezing a rubber globe between his buttocks. "These spicks and eyeties can whinge all they like, but we'll see the fuckers off - denial of service can come from us as well as being imposed on us."

In fact Microsoft has a cash pile of more than $50bn, enough to last a week or two even with American lawyers, so a legal appeal cannot be ruled out. However, Guglielmo Gatti's parents, Luigi and Vittoria, were more positive. "Our son Billy is a good boy" said Signora Gatti. "He wouldn't rip anybody off. To pieces, maybe. Off? No chance. It's all a great big lie. These EU guys - well, they'll learn a lesson if they don't back off. Horses heads in bed? Only the beginning. Wait till the BSOD appears on their TV's. Then they know it's for real."

Microsoft shares rose by 150% on the NYSE when the news of the Old European challenge emerged, and Bill Gates's US presidential ratings shot up by 1,500%. Not bad for a man who isn't standing. Is there a message for the King of the Hill….?

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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