In recent months Al-Qaeda's leaders in Iraq have had their worst fears come to pass, they are running out of people stupid enough to be suicide bombers and have had to resort to recruiting U.S. Congressmen.
However much to the chagrin of recruiters, the U.S. Politicians are not easier to deal with. The new recruits aren't buying the old promise of 70 virgins after they don't care about virginity. So Al Quaeda has is trying to hire some well known actresses to....meet the need.
This is of course not an easy demand to meet in a war zone and finding actresses willing to play the part. "We want our suicide bombers to be happy", said Quafing Bin Lately, the senior media relations officer for Al-Qaeda in Iraq, "But this 'up front' demand is tough for us. American actresses do not like to hold on to their virginity, so we have tried to compromise and find 'almost virgins' or 'virgin like' females. We even rub them in virgin olive oil. Still we have problems with the recruits, they say we cheat them and they no want to blow themselves up any more, OY!!! What a pain in the butt!"
New recruits Lindsay Lohand and Paris Hilton are so far the most difficult to work with since they must be taught to work in teams. "You would think that they would understand the "team" concept, but they no like to work together! @#$$ They sometimes blow up explosives near us. This stinking war is going on too long for me man. Hilton and Lohan I think are trying to kill me. Who would have thought they'd be more patriotic than U.S. Congressmen?"