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Wednesday, 24 October 2007

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Osama bin Laden, Spokesman for God

Tora Bora, Pakistan -- In a new tape played by Al Jazeera today, Osama bin Laden reiterated that only male suicide bombers will be the recipients of the promised 72 virgins. "In the name of Allah, I say to you: No! Only men will inherit the virgins. It is the woman's place to please her man; to enjoy the company of the other 71 women; and to care for the resulting 789 children. However, every woman bomber will receive a vacuum cleaner as a generous parting gift."

The new clarification has not gone over well with some women in the region. "A vacuum cleaner?" a shocked Muslim woman exclaimed, "there must be some kind of mistake." However, a local man from the remote mountain region was jubilant, "Yes! I knew it! Allah is Great! Allah is Great! Allah is Great!"

In fact, we found that most all of the Muslim men in the area were quite pleased with the news. "Yes yes, I can't wait," exclaimed a toothless man brandishing a stick of dynamite, "Allah is Great!" Asked if the whole notion sounded a bit far-fetched, perhaps male fantasy based, we quickly found ourselves surrounded by an angry mob of believers. "You question the word of Allah?" one exceptionally angry man demanded. "You make fun of Allah?"

Somehow escaping with our lives, we approached a group of 4 or 5 women dressed in burqas. Their reaction was more subdued, "Well, when I die Allah can keep his stupid vacuum cleaner," one woman muttered. Another of the women expressed a more pragmatic approach concerning the whole child-like notion of Heaven and Allah, "It is only a myth," she explained, "it is a myth created by an ancient and superstitious patriarch society of many many moons ago." Then she added, "Well, except for the vacuum cleaner. That part was added later so as to modernize the religion."

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