Following a spate of scandals the Catholic Church hierarchy has decreed that all priests, bishops and cardinals are to be issued with dildos.
The move - instigated by the views of supreme pontiff Pope Benedict XVI - is aimed at averting other sex scandals in the church which has seen a dramatic decrease in ordinations and massive multi million dollar payouts in lawsuits to victims of clerical abuse.
The decision to give each priest his own dildo is a means at distracting them from getting up to any mischief with anyone but their own person.
A trial period of the new scheme has been taking place in various American parishes and communities for the past 6 weeks and has proved "massively successful".
"They keep themselves to themselves", said the owner of a popular hardware store in Baltimore, "before, they used to be hangin' around outside smoking pot and trying it on with the local talent. Now they stay back at home playing with them dildo thingy's they've got. Crime and teenage pregnancy has dropped 5% around these parts since they got given 'em".
Pope Benedict had this to say in a special Papal Bull(shit):
"I believe in priestly celibacy as much as any Californian bishop, but I am a realist. Sex is dirty and evil. Allowing my men to fiddle with themselves it not an option but the Holy Book (Harry Potter) does not mention sex toys so I see it as my Godly duty to present my religious congregation with said items".
The Papal Dildo is a shade of black with a white collar rim and comes in a various range of sizes and shapes to satisfy every religious man's desires.
Nuns have been excluded from the scheme, much to their frustration. Instead they are to be given a signed photo of the Pope dressed like Che Guevara and partying with his pregnant girlfriend Paris Hilton.