A noted Washington think tank, The Center for Human Beings, released a study recently which declared that Europeans are better than Americans.
A spokesman for the organization explained: "Americans are cowboys. They're preoccupied with carrying guns, shooting at each other from those swinging saloon doors, and drinking shots of red eye whisky.
"Either that, or they're grizzled prospectors panning for gold in the Nevada and California streams and then finding 'fool's gold' and shouting 'I'm rich, rich I tells ya!' while shooting off two guns into the air in an alternating fashion."
He then went on to explain that some rich Hollywood stars are on the same level as Europeans, "but that's about it": "Hollywood people are smarter than most other Americans, that's why they live in Hollywood, where the most advanced Americans live. That's just simple logic."
He also explained that Europeans have a long history of being better than Americans, because they have been around much longer. "European buildings are older, thus Europeans are more experienced in being alive and are much smarter than Americans." He mentioned several especially smart Europeans like Socrates, William Shakespeare and Winston Churchill.
"Wouldn't you like to eat dinner with Shakespeare or Socrates? I know I would. Who could you eat with in America? Jeff Foxworthy or Cher, maybe. Sure, they're good entertainers but they're no Europeans! Whether you're an Englishman eating his tea and crumpets while wearing his favorite derby, or you're a Frenchman speaking that nasally French talk and being slightly rude to everyone, you're just better if you're European!"
He then added that Canadians were almost as good as Europeans, but they "just don't try hard enough."