Bloodyvostock - (Ass Messki): Russian President Vladimir Sputum has accused the US of harbouring "erotic" desires to penetrate him.
"They send me all these pneumatic-looking hookers thinking I am stupid," Mad Vlad said today, "but I am made of sterner stuff.
"No one tampers with my manhood and gets away with it, unlike some I could mention."
Putin was responding to reports that it was he who paid Monica Lewinsky to pass on genital herpes to Bill Clinton.
And that his secret love-child son by Anne Coulter recently penetrated George Bush's orifice at a crystal meth-fuelled orgy at Camp David.
Putin also blasted US efforts to prevent his Iran visit this week by the concoction of a fake assassination plot.
This spookily turned out to be yesterday's attempt on the life of ex-Pakistani Premier Benazhir Butto during her homecoming parade in Lahore.
Meanwhile CIA sources have angrily denied any erotic desire vix the Russian leader, citing the Oscar Wilde defense during his buggery trial of "never- he's just much too ugly".