Rancho Santa Fe, California - Thirty-eight members of the former 'Heaven's Gate' cult have returned from outerspace after spending the last decade riding a spaceship with Jesus Christ. The cult members had departed Earth in 1997 when Comet Hale-Bopp passed nearby.
"It's nice to be back," said group spokesman John 'Flaky' Croissant. "The menu up there was beginning to get a little repetitive, as you might imagine."
"But Jesus is a cool dude," he added. "Very laid back. I am glad we met. When we told him that we had killed ourselves en masse, he said not to worry about it -- that he could fix that, no problemo."
Sadly, one member (founder Marshall Applewhite) was not allowed to return to Earth because he was traded to aliens in exchange for toilet paper a few years ago. His current whereabouts are unknown, but he is believed to be getting regular colon cancer screening.