Written by maurice ball
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Topics: Ireland

Tuesday, 16 October 2007

image for President lashes Irish drinkers
Drunken Irish bug

Dublin, Ireland - Irish head of state, President Mary McAleese, today severely criticized the boozing habits of her compatriots after it was revealed that the Irish are the second heaviest drinking nation on the planet

"Its just not good enough," said the furious President. "The Irish people should be ashamed of themselves. They're going to have to pull their socks up and do a whole lot better. For centuries we have been the worlds biggest dipsos, but it seems that the current crop are not made of the same mettle as their ancestors!"

The latest survey put the Australians at number one in the hard drinking league table, with the Irish in second place

"It's of no comfort to me that many Australians are of Irish descent," raged the President. "And I expect a big improvement by the time next years survey comes around. Perhaps the government might consider giving grants to financially strapped drinkers"

Irish drinking habits have changed in the last few years with less people going to pubs and more preferring to drink at home.But one academic, Professor James Gilmartin, has suggested that the shock plunge in the rankings may be due to the distorting effect of a recent influx of Muslims into the country, thus dragging down the per capita consumption.

"We're still the best," said the professor. "But if those Muslims want to integrate into Irish society, they had better start hitting the bottle. I'm off to the pub!"

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