Bang Cock, Thighland - (Ass Mess & Reuterus): King Bum-i-Boil thigh-feeling week has ended arse-over-tit with the 79 year-old supreme majesty confined to a padded cell after scans finally revealed a lifetime's inadequate blood supply to the brain.
"It's con-genital," said a courtier.
"He's nuts," said a hospital source.
The absolute monarch's dedicated policy of flogging, imprisoning and/or executing anybody poking fun at his tendencies is legendary.
Recent attempts in his country's internet networks to chill out repressive laws banning criticism of the senile nutter resulted in a near pogrom.
The official palace policy is that the King is greatly revered, admired and even worshiped as a living deity.
But secretly even his most trusted courtiers think old Bummy is a raving loony whose devotion to developing personal proclivities had to be shielded with a UN Security Council resolution gagging order.
A statement from the Majestic Bureau of the Royal Household said scams had revealed "a minimal cerebral function capacity" on the left side of the monarch's brain.
Further statements expected this weekend.