WASHINGTON, DC -- Responding to a recent public outcry denouncing American troop involvement in the death of countless numbers of Iraqi civilians, U.S. Secretary of Defense Robert Gates has stated that American troops have never killed a single Iraqi civilian.
Instead, the deaths have been blamed on the buildup of American liberal "insurgents" in Iraq who were "determined to make the U.S. military look bad in the eyes of the world."
Gates was quoted saying, "We have proof that liberals like Tim Robbins and Sean Penn regularly use a Star Trek-like portal hidden inside Martin Sheen's Malibu mansion to beam between California and Iraq, where they go on killing sprees that are then blamed on American troops."
Gates used the recent sightings of Susan Sarandon and Jane Fonda gunning down defenseless women and children in Fallujah as proof of the existence of the portal and the liberal rebellion against the Bush Administration.
Conservative radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh agreed that liberals were responsible for not only Iraqi civilian deaths but also for poor troop morale in Iraq and suggested that President Bush enact anti-liberal legislation to keep opposition to the war from reaching the ears of the American public.
Limbaugh also stated that the only thing better than blaming Tim Robbins and Sean Penn for Iraqi casualties would be if there was proof that Michael Moore was also involved.