TEHRAN -- A homosexual sighting was reported in Iran early Saturday morning. Iranian authorities received an anonymous tip from a man who lives in Zabol, a small city near the border with Afghanistan. The man claimed another man was checking him out while he was buying sun-dried figs at a local market. The alleged homosexual has not been seen since.
This news comes less than two weeks after Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's controversial appearance at Columbia University in New York City, where he told an American audience, "In Iran, we don't have homosexuals like in your country. In Iran, we do not have this phenomenon. I do not know who has told you we have it." This shocking assertion was made in response to a Columbia student who asked Ahmadinejad about persecution of Iranian homosexuals. The student later commented that that nobody in particular had told him Iran had homosexuals, but he just assumed that, by this point in time, gay people had successfully dispersed out of San Francisco and inhabited all parts of the globe.
Supreme Leader of Iran Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, known to close friends as "Big Al," has dispatched every wing of the Iranian military to Zabol to "find and destroy this fairy." Paranoid men all over the city, fearing accusations of homosexuality, are having rampant sex with their wives or covering the walls of their homes with posters of female models posing in proper hijab dress.
Meanwhile, Ahmadinejad continues to deny that homosexuals ever have or ever will exist in his country. "I respectfully disagree with Big Al's decision," said Ahmadinejad. "I think by sending our troops to Zabol, we acknowledge the possibility of homosexuality in Iran, and that is a big mistake. However, yes, yes, he is the Supreme Leader and I am only the president. Blah blah blah [laughs], you know?"
Some Middle East scholars say that homosexuals abound in Iran, but won't come out for fear of being harassed or put in jail. Ahmadinejad responded to this claim by saying, "That is very silly. We would not harass or imprison a homosexual. We would kill him immediately."
At an upcoming press conference, Ahmadinejad is expected to also deny the existence of Jews in Iran, as well as the existence of heterosexuals in the United States and western Europe.