Written by The Macster
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Saturday, 6 October 2007

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Elvis as he is today - Protecting the Nation's Personal Data

In a series of astonishing and seemingly unrelated developments, dead pelvis-thrusting singer Elvis Presley has announced his intention to apply for the position of Identity Theft Tsar as recommended by a Parliamentary All Party Group on the crime of identity fraud.

The Las Vegas Entertainer who has long been the subject of debate as to whether he really did die on that toilet in 1977, has at last proven theorists right by going public.

"I joost veel dat I offer the Breetish Government my experteez in dis matter," said Presley this morning, his thick Bulgarian accent the result of hiding out in the Balkans for thirty years. "I reed dat 1 in 4 Breetish Peepul have been affected by dis crime. Dat meens 3 in 4 have not had dere identities stolen. Dis iz rich pickings for criminals who operate in dis way and I wish to do what I can to help dis,"

Presley spoke of his ideas that he was keen to bring to the role which included a password protected Excel spreadsheet, in which he would hold the account numbers, passwords and personal details of every man, woman and child in the UK and of which only he would have access. He advised that he would soon be calling everyone to obtain this information.

"Sure. You will know your information safe wiv Elvis. I call you. You give. Or else maybe a prison sentence." Presley continued.

MP's in the All Party Select Group welcomed the interest from the late American 'King of Rock and Roll'.

"I must say that I was rather surprised to find out that Elvis was still alive, let alone that he was interested in our recently announced, Identity Fraud Tsar position." said Henry Toffington-Crisp, MP for Cadbury-Rowntree North. "He showed us a bank statement to prove who he was, and once I'd scraped off the old cabbage and the burger grease stains, I could see that he was indeed Elvis."

Presley may not be alone in seeking appointment in this role however, as word is that both Lord Lucan and Robert Maxwell have also indicated an interest to MP's.

"Of course we need to find the right calibre of person and from the right background," added Toffington-Crisp. "We can't just have anyone in this highly visible position."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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