Written by Rick Higginson
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Topics: Afghanistan, India

Friday, 19 March 2004

image for Taliban Denies Effort to Escalate Tensions
Artist's depiction of Taliban fighter, based on descriptions from Pakistani and Indian witnesses

KABUL, Afghanistan - Taliban leaders were questioned today concerning possible efforts by Taliban members to increase tension along the "hot" border between Pakistan and India.

The allegations of covert efforts to distract the Pakistani Government from further actions against Al Qaeda strongholds surfaced in the wake of reports that the Taliban had threatened the Pakistani Government over such actions. The latest reports include rumors of plans to incite actions along the Pakistani/Indian border between the two nations.

Pakistan and India have teetered on the brink of war many times in recent years over disputed borderlands and rumors of impending military actions by one or the other. Both Nations are reported to either have nuclear weapons, or have them in development, along with long range delivery systems.

Indian troops patrolling near the disputed border reported hearing taunts yelled through the darkness at them, one of which translates roughly into English as, "You pussy Indians suck!" Nearby Pakistani troops reported being pelted with rocks, to which were tied maps showing Pakistan as being a new Indian territory. In Islamabad at approximately the same time, President Pervez Musharraf's house was TP'ed with a cheap brand of Indian toilet paper. The Governments of both India and Pakistan investigated the incidents, and report that their troops were under strict orders against antagonizing the other.

Abdul Latif Hakimi, spokesman for the Taliban, denied any connection between his group and the incidents. "Every Taliban member left was gathered at my place that night, celebrating a Burqa party." he claimed. "It's bad enough that my wives now expect to be treated like human beings," he added, "but now we are being blamed for everything that goes wrong in the region."

Reached for comment, President George Bush said, "'You pussy Indians suck'? Was that the best they could come up with?" Asked for his take on the situation, Democratic Presidential Candidate John Kerry turned and whispered to his advisors, "What do the polls say?"

Meanwhile, Pakistani Forces are still reported to possibly have Al Qaeda's second in command surrounded, somewhere near the Afghan border. Reports are that the Pakistani Forces are singing to call out the Al Qaeda leader with choruses of, "Ay-man! Ay-man! Ayman, Ayman, Ayman!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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