OSAMA BIN LADEN narrowly escaped capture last night after getting pissed out of his skull on an Al Qaeda stag night in Afghanistan.
The reclusive rabble-rouser made a rare appearance from his cave to celebrate the imminent marriage of one his bodyguards, Dhali Al Protectu. And after vowing to worried Al Qaeda chiefs that he would only go out for "a couple", Bin Laden went on to get totally blitzed.
The drinking session started at the local Wetherspoon's pub in Kabul, the Money Lender, at just after 1pm. Bin Laden's family have shares in the British chain pub and he assured cronies that the owner was "onside" and wouldn't "grass him up to the Yanks".
One Al Qaeda insider also revealed that the Saudi Arabian megalomaniac wanted to have a go at The Who Wants To Be A Millionaire machine. But Bin Laden and his mates were kicked out of the boozer after the terrorist overlord reacted angrily to getting an obscure English geography question as he tried to claim the $30 jackpot.
"How the fuck am I supposed to know what county Coventry is in?" he screamed in Arabic as pals dragged him away from the machine before the police turned up.
The Al Qaeda boys then went to a cocktail bar and downed several rusty nails before watching Rangers take on Lyon at the Kabul sports bar. Bin Laden is an Ibrox season ticket holder and ordered champagne in celebration after his lucky side somehow beat the French champions 3-0. However, his rousing rendition of several sectarian songs attracted the attention of local cops and Bin Laden's crew had to whisk him away through the toilet window.
The ribaldry continued at several bars and nightclubs but nobody had the nerve to say anything to the tipsy terrorists. However, Bin Laden had a lucky escape when he spewed his guts at a kebab shop on the way back to his cave.
An on-looker revealed: "The owner was livid after Osama ralphed all over his donner meat. He was threatening to call the cops, but a sound beating soon put him in his place. To add insult to injury the Al Qaeda lads then stole two bottles of Fanta and some chicken pakora."
America's public enemy No.1 finally got back home at 4.30am and was slaughtered by Al Qaeda kingpins for flirting with arrest so blatantly.
A spokesman for the Bush administration said: "Osama got lucky this time but the next time he pops out for a swift half we'll be on him."