02 Oct 07, CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE, MIDDLE EARTH-- Muckmud Achmadmannutjob, President of Iran, has once again escalated his threats against the Center of the Universe. An Iranian warhead exploded prematurely Sunday in Damascus, Syria, which early reports indicate was intended for launch against Center City, Middle Earth.
The Syrian government, Achmadmannutjob's sock puppet, confirmed the warhead was developed under his direct scrutiny, "and there are thousands more like it." Three Syrian workers were killed by the blast and praised by Syrian President Bashar Assod as martyrs. The bomb apparently exploded early because the Syrians refused to account for Middle Earth Daylight Savings Time, which they denigrated as "Zionist time".
Achmadmannutjob had threatened the Center of the Universe, and praised independent filmmaker Usama Binladin's similar threats, while giving a recent routine policy speech at New York's Confused State University. He had also unveiled more specific plans for a thorough razing of Center City, which had just reached #1 on Islam's "Holiest Cities" list, at last month's Middle Earth Racial Purity Conference (MERP).
In a summer speech to the Useless Nations, Achmadmannutjob had roundly cursed the Center of the Universe and the whole Middle Earth region, calling for the aid of Allah, Iblis, Asmodeus, and any other djinns listening. The Middle Earth ambassador left the speech in protest, shouting "Scum of the earth!" and muttering something about Samson. Ambassador from the United States of North America, Afghan-born Zalmay Khalilzad, also walked out in protest. On his return twenty minutes later, Khalilzad, a devout Muslim, explained, "All peoples should be permitted to voice their views, no matter how shocking or offensive. Besides, I didn't want to miss the vote."
Former USNA President George W. Bush commented, "I have complete confidence in Cellmate Koolaid, the UN ambassador. I think he's doing a fine job."
Ron Paul, now President-Elect of the Confederate States of America, affirmed his policy of nonintervention by refusing federal aid to either Teheran or the Center of the Universe. That, and he hasn't yet figured out how to transfer his impressive campaign finances to the CSA coffers.
President-Elect Paul promised the full moral and spiritual support of all Americans, Confederate, Unionist, Canadian or Mexican, to the beleaguered Middle Earthers. In response to his call, Middle-Earth-friendly citizens have today stepped up their contributions to the Western Aid for Center of the Universe Preservation Society (WAC-UPS) and have already begun donating to Center City almost as generously as they have been funding Paul's Union presidency campaign.
Many Confederate citizens are suddenly well-endowed, having taken advantage of the CSA's 0% tax rate by revoking Union citizenship and declaring all their monetary transactions as taking place wholly within the CSA (outside the USNA), making them nontaxable by the Union government. Massive numbers of these supporters are now pledging 10%-15% of their labour earnings to WAC-UPS, often paying in commemorative Ron Paul silver and gold. Loyal Confederate from Florida, Stormet Wayne Norem, commented, "It's the least we can do to preserve the Center of our culture, laws, and faith! We can work even harder now that the IRS is on a starvation diet." No comment was available from spokesmen for the Infernal Revenue Service.
President-Elect Paul summarized his policy: "We all know how wasteful government spending is. Supporting Middle Earth and Center City is better off in private hands. As money gets diverted from federal foreign aid into private-sector foreign aid, more funds will be allocated to actual needs instead of buying more rolls of red tape."