We cannot confirm that Osama Bin Laden was in a drunken stupor when he fell asleep on a Pakistani hillside last month, however, we have absolute proof that when he was awakened next morning by his mistress his left arm was missing from the elbow down.
His followers began an immediate search of the surrounding area while Osama sat in a state of shock, uttering the words 'sonofabitch' over and over again. His guards were baffled by the apparent breach in the impenetrable wall of security they had placed around their leader.
At the edge of a large outcrop of rock they noticed a fairly large snake. Their first instinct was to shoot the snake but their interest in the reptile peaked when it suddenly began to be violently ill. Imagine their shock and horror as the snake regurgitated its last meal, Osama Bin Laden's left arm. By the time it had finished throwing up there was a small bundle of bones on the ground, not an ounce of flesh on any of them.
According to Dr Manuman Singh Singh of the Mumbay College for Reptiles, "Snakes have absolute power over the peristaltic muscles that moves the food along and can reverse it at will. This they will do if the meal stops digesting properly".
Bin Laden was last seen being carried into the Pakistani wilderness uttering 'Sweet Mary, mother of Moses, what have I done to deserve this'?
In a related story, Joe Torre the Yankees Head Coach, has dispatched his scouts to Pakistan on hearing a left arm may be available.