Written by Noshing Mink

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Topics: Russia, Jade Goody

Thursday, 27 September 2007

image for Russian mother gives birth to 15-stone baby which looks like Jade Goody
Surgeon smokes to relieve stress of delivering Jade Goody

A mother in Siberia has given birth to a whopping baby girl who rocked the scales at just under 15 stone. To make matters worse, the baby looks just like shamed Celebrity Big Brother bully Jade Goody.

The baby was delivered by C-section. Leading surgeon Dr. Leonid Jerkoff said:

"It was a 5-hour procedure, because we kept having to change the nurses' vomit bags. Although I have a pretty strong stomach, I almost hurled when the baby came out. I've had to smoke a whole packet of fags to calm myself down."

Happy mother Tatyana Supernova has 11 other children, telling our reporter:

"There's very little to do in Siberia."

Baby Jade is said to have consumed six gallons of milk within 24 hours as well as a crate of baby food. Her first words were:

"Oh fuck, I'm Russian".

The potty-mouthed toddler and her mother were allowed home, to make space for six more patients. The baby's father, Mr. Vladimir Supernova, has apparently fled the country and is seeking asylum in Britain.

Doctors are still investigating how Mrs Supernova could have given birth to such a large baby. One told us:

"The mother said she used to eat like a pig. Now she's given birth to a pig. We all had a laugh and bet on names for the child. Porky was the favourite. However, we looked up Jade Goody on the Internet and we all agree that this was a much better name."

The previous record baby size was won by a Mexican who gave birth to a 14 pounder earlier this year.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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