Moscow - (Ass Mess): Russian President Vladimir Sputum has expressed his joy at global warming's re-opening of the Northwest back passage which he thinks will be great for business.
"For years we have tried everything including satellite-generated colonic irrigation," Mad Vlad the Impaler told a packed Kremlin press conference today.
"We even threatened to bomb the place shitless with a kind of inflammatory Colon Bowel syndrome weapon. But to no avail.
"Then just last week we detected a movement. And billions of tonnes of crap suddenly began easing down the Bering Strait.
"It's as if some kind of Arctic hymen has suddenly been rent open."
Putain's joy was somewhat diminished when later this morning the Arctic National Snow and Ice Data Center advised caution.
"This fabled Arctic shipping route from the Atlantic to the Pacific is easing up.
"But it could be a trap for greedy, unscrupulous submarine operators hell-bent on prospecting for hydrocarbon wealth beneath the North Pole's icy domains," a ANSIDC source warned.
"Just reemember that NATO technology is now capable of hacking into those satellite-controlled weather machines to suddenly ice-in any oil industry rent boys attempting to plunder on behalf of those dumbass bolsheviks!
"Not for nothing is the Northwest backpassage called the arsehole of the universe."