NATO HQ, Brussels - (Ass Mess): NATO military intelligence dismissed Russian claims to the Arctic seabed as risible hogwash today amid reports that an increasingly rabid Vladimir Sputum was determined to start drilling the area for oil.
Last month he despatched a submarine "to prove that a mountain ridge under the Arctic Ocean" is part of Russia's continental shelf.
However, the UN Security Council has adjudicated three times already on the matter after similar faked geophysical evidence was presented by successive Bolshevik fantasists including Soviet presidents Khrushchev, Kosygin, Brezhnev, Gorbachev and tertiary syphilis-sufferer Boris Yeltsin.
Today Russia's Unnatural Resources Ministry said early test results on soiled samples showed Russia is geologically linked to the Lomonosov Ridge.
"Yes, but what links it is the vast crater of an active caldera which threatens to explode at any given moment," UN geophysical department sources said today.
Russia's claim to a vast swathe of territory in the Arctic have been steadfastly dismissed as risible fantasy by the other nations whose territory bordering the ocean, including the US, Canada and Greenland.
"This is nothing more that a Russian equivalent of the hellbent Corrupt Bastards Club of Alaska jerking off in public with its dumb-ass, cretinous posturing," the UN source added, closing the argument for the week.