Written by tva
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Topics: Liberalism

Tuesday, 18 September 2007

image for Ontario Premier Applauds HPV Vaccine, 'Anti-Slut' Vaccine In Works
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Crosby, Ontario - Today marked another day of accolades as Ontario Premier Dalton McGuinty addressed an assembled crowd at the International Plowing Match in Crosby Ontario as part of his electoral campaign efforts. The crowd hushed as Premier McGuinty summarized his party's work over the past term, cataloging such successes as his government's betterment of the Ontario health care system, job creation programs, and improvements to the education system.

But Premier McGuinty did not end his accomplishment list there, mentioning that he was very proud of his government's vaccination program targeting Grade 8 girls to protect them from human papillomavirus (HPV), a sexually transmitted virus that causes cervical cancer.

"Knowing that the children of Ontario are our future, we have to offer programs of this nature to protect our kids and defend their exploratory and promiscuous way of life, even at the age of thirteen," said the Premier to an applauding throng. "Taking these defensive measures to ensure that when a young Ontario girl hopes to fill the emotional void and sense of being unloved in her life with sexual intercourse, be it from her one or more boyfriends, or from a drunken nine-way with the local school hockey team, we will have set them up for a successful life in Ontario. When they have had three or perhaps four children and have moved to one of Ontario's rural trailer-home facilities, we can rest assured that they will be celebrating their 19th birthday infection-free."

"But we must not stop there," continued the Premier. "Ontario must stay ahead of these medical and sociological trends. We must not just be tactical, but forward-thinking. Our government, if elected, will not only continue to combat HPV and viruses of its ilk, but will also look towards a vaccine that will attack sluttiness and general town-bikery." The Ontario government will look to have such a vaccine at the ready by the New Year and will promote the vaccine in areas of areas of high sexual engagement among pre-teens, be it between parked cars at dances, in one of the many neighbourhood homes without parental supervision, or on the team bus on the way to Kincardine.

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