MACEDONIA, OHIO (Heewack News Network)-- Occasional TheSpoof.com contributor Heewack (not his real name) was stunned this morning to find that he had earned minus-2 points so far today, a development he called "unprecedented in his two-month history of writing for the satiric Web site."
Heewack, a self-made millionaire who often builds bonfires out of $100 bills, said seeing himself actually lose points left him feeling "nonplussed" and considering legal action.
"I am the first to admit that, after enjoying the initial rush of contributions and seeing the point total creep up, I dropped off," said Heewack, who is 35 years old, has been married six times, and has 27 children. "I feel like I'm being made an example about something by someone."
Spoof Commissioner Roger Goodell said Heewack had been docked points because he was "slacking off."
"It's not fair to the hard-working, honest contributors of the Spoof who submit stories day after day," Goodell said. "We're not here to reward those who want to rest on the laurels of one or two good stories. Or in Heewack's case, 20 good stories, a number of diary entries, a dozen Spoof Snippets and one editorial."
Spoof analyst and Emmy-winning actor William H. Macy said Heewack is typical of most contributors to The Spoof.
"They see the site and think it's the greatest thing since Britney Spears' panties. They overload the administrators with a dozen pent-up articles that have percolated for months and years. They envision themselves as the next Great Satire Writer, hoping that Conan O'Brien or Ricky Gervais notices them and asks them to write for them. Then the novelty wears off and they go back to their mundane existence as a trash hauler," Macy said.
Heewack denied being a trash hauler. "I'm a barista at Starbucks--and a darn good one, too. Want to see my draft screenplay? It's about a black guy and an Asian guy who are recruited by the FBI to infiltrate the Ku Klux Klan. Hilarity ensues."