HEAVEN (AP) -- At a recent press conference, God, creator and master of the universe, expressed extreme displeasure at the hundreds of millions of prayers He has been receiving on a daily basis. "Shut the fuck up already," He told humanity. "I have such a headache. Seriously, I've fucking had it. I haven't gotten any rest since the seventh day."
God threatened to stop answering prayers altogether if He keeps receiving so many. "Take some initiative. Why do you people need my help for every little thing? Go get laid or survive cancer on your own."
Critics of the Lord were quick to point out that most prayers have already been going unanswered for thousands of years. They noted that Heaven is a bureaucratic nightmare, where prayers need to go through a lengthy formal approval process by several teams of saints before they are even considered by God. The saints have an enormous backlog of prayers, some dating back to the Middle Ages. "You have people praying today for world peace being ignored because God still hasn't even gotten to prayers asking Him to end the bubonic plague," complained one critic who wished to remain anonymous to avoid being sent to Hell.
This was God's first public appearance since November 2006, when He angrily told humanity that He does not work in mysterious ways and will strike dead the next person who says so.